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Blog Name: Matthew @ RoF's blog

An appeal for Keith Vaz
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06 September 2016
Poor old Keith Vaz, publicly shamed by the Sunday Mirror. He says that it is "deeply disturbing" that a newspaper could mount such a sting campaign. And indeed it is ABSOLUTELY OUTRAGEOUS that a man who chairs a committee looking into decriminalising prostitution and drugs should be revealed as having bareback chemsex fourways with Eastern European hookers.

Vaz has instructed Mark Stephens of Howard Kennedy to try and get him out of this mess. Stephens does not come cheap, all those woolly jumpers don't pay for themselves. Vaz, as a member of the Privy Council, is clearly beyond reproach and has obviously never taken a backhander in his life. So he's presumably having to meet his legal fees out of his less than generous MP's salary.

    Singing poppers, and rubbers, alive alive-oh!

Indeed so hard up is the Member for Leicester East that he appears to have been unable to run to some prophylactics when enjoying the services of said hookers. Come on Keith, rubber up or leave it out, you know that. As a fellow solicitor fallen upon hard times it behoves the profession to help him out. Please send all you can afford to "Rubber Up Vaz", c/o RollOnFriday, Hamilton House, 1 Temple Avenue, London, EC4Y 0HA and help us hit our target of £8 for a pack of 12 "tight pleasure" ESP condoms.

RoF Towers will cover the cost of sending the johnnies to his constituency office.

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It's Remain! City Managing Partners are unanimous
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22 June 2016
Yesterday I conducted an entirely unscientific straw poll of a dozen Managing Partners of some of the country's top firms. I asked them to let me know - an an entirely unattributable basis - what they thought would happen on Thursday and how that would impact on deal flow. I added that for what it's worth, I reckoned Remain by a 5% margin and all of them having to cancel their summer holidays to deal with the influx of deals that would follow.

Every single one of them reckoned on Remain, with a majority ranging from slender to 10%. Comments were as follows:

"Not at all sure that the vote will deliver a boost to the economy/activity levels. The global economic environment has worsened over the last few months. By holding the referendum the UK simply brought forward the overall tail-off in activity for the UK/the European Capital Markets.
My expectation is that now is not the moment to increase the cost and expense base of doing business in London.  Clients are not going to tolerate increased rates to compensate firms for having increased salary costs in London for reasons with no connection to the London/European markets."

"My guess would be Remain by the same margin as the Scottish referendum - I think the death of Jo Cox has had a significant effect . With regard to work I think there is going to be a bit of a lull after that vote for remain while people absorb the news and see how it plays out with activity being patchy until early autumn. Incidentally we have a few deals in the office which have Brexit break clauses in them."

"I agree with you Matthew - definite hockey stick effect with work flow but I think it might be a broader majority to remain - perhaps 10%"

"I hope remain by a small margin because that will leave the possibility of another referendum in a few years time on the table if the Eurocrats don't start listening to the peoples of Europe.

If it is remain, then I think there will be a small bounce in our sector but more or less getting us back to business as usual pre the referendum slow down (there will be a bigger bounce in the financial markets).

If it is leave, an optimist would say that there will be opportunities, but overall commercial law firms do well if the economy is doing well, so the performance of our sector as a whole  (in the UK) will more or less reflect whatever happens to the UK economy for which the short and medium term forecasts are not good. I think even the leading Brexiters seem to accept that there will be a short term negative impact on our economy while uncertainty as to the settlement persists."

"My best guess as to the result is the same as yours. If that is the result then I still think we will be in for a quietish summer as generally things need to kick off by now to get done by September and no doubt there will be some complicated positions to unwind in relation to the currency, stock market et cetera , but I do think we will then be in for a busy autumn."

"I think it will be remain by a small margin – if I am right I think the impact will be positive and people will breathe again and get back to normal (the political scene will likely shift dramatically!) and the pound will rise.

If I am wrong then I think it will be chaos politically and economically as no-one knows what it will be mean – in the short term I suspect it means we can take the summer off and business will be pretty paralysed, maybe to the end of the year."

"I'm with you that it will be a Remain vote. As to the numbers, the Scottish experience tells us that the undecideds usually vote for no change, so I'm going a little higher - 7-10%

I'm not sure about work then flooding  in. I think there are some pretty strong headwinds around at the moment not all of which are within UKs control. Real estate market is stalled and I think likely to remain so."

"I agree with your assessment. I hope we are both right..."

"My view is that this will be like Scotland and Quebec - the nearer we get to the polls the more people will take a conservative view. I therefore think we will stay in by about the 5% margin you think, or possibly a little more. If we stay in life goes on and we think there are a bunch of deals that will go through, but you won't see them until September after the summer break. If we leave, we will be inundated with queries but it will calm down while people work out what they want to do, as Brexit will take a few years to unravel.
And finally, I'll be going on holiday whatever happens because if I don't Mrs L will  divorce me and make me take custody of the kids "

"The Referendum is the most important matter to be put to the British electorate in decades. Whichever way it goes it will be close, closer than 5% I feel. My gut feeling is that there will be a vote to Remain. If there is then my best guess is that we will see a surge of deal activity  towards the end of this year, rather like we saw after the surprise General Election result. What happens on a Brexit is rather harder to predict. Volatility tends to bring new lines of work as well, but overall I would not expect a Brexit to be good for the City legal community in the short or even medium term, nor would I expect to see transactional activity bounce back for some time while we all try to work out what happens next."

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Nigel Farage filthy limerick competition - the winner
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22 June 2016
Thanks to all the readers who have thrown their two cents into the Nigel Farage offensive limerick competition.

Clearly the legal profession has very little love for the man - more entries were sent in than we can print. But the winner, solely for the superb rhyming of "Nigel", is James:

There was once a sleazebag called Nigel
Who watched porn at work with KY gel.
IT had to block it,
Tie him to a rocket
And watch the twat migrate to Rigel.


Here are a few of the better efforts over the last couple of days:


Have you seen this prick's new poster?
To National Socialism, it couldn't be closer.
But it's fear of reugees
That's the real disease
And Nigel we should boot out the border.


Penning lim'ricks on Nigel is hard,
A fine challenge even for the Bard,
For his world views - obscene -
Force me to break rhyme scheme,
So fuck Nigel Farage, the stupid piece of racist shite.

This anonymous effort:

The spivy ol fella Farage
Was leading the right wing charge
He went over to Brussels
With piss, wind and no muscles
Demanding an airstrike on the Haj

3 Ducks gets a mention for pointing out my own inadequacies:

As one of the liberal elite
Young Rhodes was full of conceit
He created a barrage
Of abuse against Farage
But ended up looking effete

And Anna cleary had time on her hands:

An odious old git named Farage
Urged race wars from the Thames on a barge
Said some Brits, "We'd Brexit
But he really wrecks it,
With his unique brand of wank'rage

Farage is a curious hit
With current polls saying Brexiteers bit
On his xenophobic MOs
Hope the 23rd shows
Him up as he is, piece of kittens

An arse by the name of Farage
Gains support through 'pub chum' reportage
Appeal bizarrely intense,
But supporters so dense,
Let's hope all they manage is ballot spoilage

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The invisible Senior Partner
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20 June 2016
Thanks to the reader who sent in this, from the website of the aptly named Edward Fail, Bradshaw & Waterson.


Poor Edward. He doesn't even make an appearance on his home page:


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Nigel Farage filthy limerick competition - update
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16 June 2016
Earlier this week I encouraged readers to send in offensive limericks about Nigel Farage. Since then the racist bell end has been messing about on the river outside my office. Spot the difference:


And the limericks have been coming in. Thanks to Matt for:

Nigel finds racism easy
And keeps company some might call sleazy
But a party with Bozza,
Mike Gove and a prozzer
Even makes that scumbag queasy.

Sam sent in:

Pursuing inharmonious strife,
Farage sought out a singular life.
Though bemired in hypocrisy,
He fucked with democracy,
While being fucked by his immigrant wife.

Alex's effort:

A frog-faced xenophobic prick
Named Nigel is yearning to kick
The forrins out of Blighty;
Though his arguments are shitey,
His prospects of success make me sick.

An anonymous reader opines:

There was an old fart Farage
Boasting a floppy haired (twat) entourage.
He feared jolly foreigners
Those swarming sly commoners
Despite his love of German Saus-age.

And my colleague James is currently the front runner with:

Ole Nige wants to go it alone
Since it's just how he plays with his bone.
What he'd love more than Brexit
Is his favourite sex-hit
Of a wank in a pub on his own

And of course there's the token Brexiteer who took time out from breathing through his mouth and shouting at bits of cheese in the supermarket to share his eloquence:

Nigel is a genius who can be blunt
Is better than Dave, an absolute c**t
Dave is thick
And is a prick
And let the EU to f**k his munt.

"And let the EU to f**k his munt". What does that even mean? That alone must be worth a t-shirt.

Keep 'em coming.

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Nigel Farage filthy limerick competition
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14 June 2016
Following the success of the President Erdogan Offensive Poetry competition I'd like to invite readers to come up with their best piece of doggerel about Nigel Farage.

No doubt some Roffers will complain that this is too political (it is), that I'm in favour of Remain (I am) and that I should let them have a crack at Cameron et al too (I probably should). But he is just so spectaculaly repulsive. His scare mongering and pandering to racism, his absurd pretence at being at one with the common man with his stupid cigarette and pint, his National Front colleagues, his disdain for women in general and breastfeeding mothers in particular, his warnings about all of us being gang raped by migrants if we don't stick two fingers up to Europe etc. etc. etc.. I find it unbelievable that someone like this can rise to any sort of prominence in a civilised country in 2016.


Entries to the usual address. The winner gets a RoF T shirt.

To kick things off my offering is:

A swivel-eyed loon name of Farage
Caught his cock in the door of his garage.
He sniffed "since I can't flex it
I'll push for a Brexit
to distract from my loss of danglage."

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Burges Salmon - rebrand of the week
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14 June 2016
Burges Salmon has had a makeover this week. And in the post arrived the usual assortment of branded marketing bumpf - pens, an umbrella, a power bank for your iPhone etc..

And a pink, squeezy, salmon:


An executive stress fish. How fantastic is that?

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RollOnFriday lunches at Buckingham Palace
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09 June 2016
HRH The Duke of Kent hosted lunch at Buckingham Palace on Friday 27th May to thank all the firms that have supported RollOnMonday, our collaboration with homeless charity St Mungo's. Huge thanks to the Duke, to all the firms involved, to the University of Law for supporting the lunch and to Osborne Clarke for a £100,000 donation to St Mungo's which will allow us to expand the scheme nationally. Read all about it in tomorrow's edition.

In the meantime here are a few pics. A tip of the hat to Charlie Martin at Macfarlanes and Peter Crisp at BPP Law School who were out of the country and missed the event. Each of them has already taken on four candidates through the scheme.

    The Music Room set for lunch

    Ray Berg and Matthew Rhodes

    HRH The Duke of Kent, Juliet Bickerton, David Bickerton

    Jan Tregelles, Oliver Brettle, Emily Brettle

    Valery Kisilevsky, Kathryn Adamson, Elaine Patient, David Patient

    Lois Gordon, Andrew Gordon, Sally Elliott, Robert Elliott

    Margot Geesink, HRH The Duke of Kent, Matthew Rhodes, Jan-Coos Geesink, Jamie Hamilton, Andrew Leaitherland

    The White Drawing Room

    David Bickerton, Juliet Bickerton, Robert Elliott

    Jamie Hamilton, Jan-Coos Geesink, Margot Geesink, Rachael Leaitherland

    Julia Berg, Claire Francies

    Howard Sinclair, Oliver Brettle

    Juliet Bickerton, Harriet Brennan

    Ray Berg, Rupert Boswall

    Julia Berg, Mike Francies

    Marian Boswall, Matthew Rhodes, David Bickerton

    Julia Berg, Mike Francies, Ray Berg, Rupert Boswall

    Elaine Patient, Rita Viner, Kathryn Adamson

    Matthew Rhodes, Medusa, Perseus, Jamie Hamilton

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Exclusive: Kirkland hikes London NQ rates to £125k
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09 June 2016
Kirkland & Ellis has sent an internal memo round its London office this morning announcing massive pay rises across all grades.

Associates will now be paid New York rates. At the current exchange rate, this means that a Newly Qualified lawyer will jump from an already chunky £100,000 p.a. to an eye watering £125,000 p.a.. More senior associates will also see their salaries rise by 25%. A lawyer who qualified in September 2010 will now be paid $280,000 p.a., roughly £194,000. Plus bonus.

    Croesus yesterday

In the memo London Managing Patner Stephen Lucas said that the firm "remains committed to paying top-of-market compensation to all our associates".

More to follow in tomorrow's edition.

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Blake, sack and crack
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08 June 2016
Walking along South Molton Street the other day I spotted this:


The house in which one of the world's greatest poets and artists resided is now a salon for women with untidy ladygardens and men with fuzzy backs. The expression on Blake's death mask hints that he may have foreseen this:


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